Today was a gray rainy day, but a beautiful gray day. I woke up happy, I cruised around an
over-crowded Costco happy, and before my husband went to work after lunch, we
took a peaceful hike through a forest grove that made me feel even happier. I decided to continue the joy and take myself
on a date.
I drove downtown and found a quiet street near my
destination where I didn't have to parallel park. I walked along the streets, admiring the
color of the older buildings in the clouded light (really, it has its own
charm), and made my way to the favorite bookstore in Salem. Taking in the lovely smell of books, I did a
quick look for the resident bookstore cat and purchased the book I wanted
before heading back into the chilled Salem air.
I allowed myself a relaxed pace and the freedom to go into any store that
was open that seemed interesting: a store with jewelry, garments, and tchotchkes
from India, Africa, and other exotic places; a consignment shop where I
purchased a vintage suede skirt; a coffee shop.
Taking my mug of Oolong tea at The Governor’s Cup, I found a table away from the epicenter where
espresso machines hiss and the mechanic sound of the milk steamer vibrating
distracts. I pulled out stationary, and
happily reminisced about Christmas 2014 as I wrote thank you cards for gifts I
had received over the holiday. Licking the envelope on my last card, I stacked
the letters, a notebook, and my new book by my tea as I sipped. I still felt happy. I took a picture of my moment (Instagram
makes me happy too!) before picking up my book to start reading.
In my contentment, I almost didn't notice that the two girls
sitting near me, who had previously been catching up and chatting about their
college lives and latest proud endeavors, started whispering and staring my
way. I only caught a small catch of a
phrase, “I don’t know, maybe she's…” when I accidentally looked up and noticed
their eyes were on me. They quickly
looked away and made their conversation scarce.
Here's the truth. I’m
ashamed at how quickly my contentment was destroyed by self-consciousness and
doubt and the feeling of not belonging.
It has been a long time since I've been alone in a public situation like
that where I feel vulnerable and small and it came on as quickly as gravity. I felt as though someone had picked up a brick
and dropped it directly on my day. I
remembered, quickly, why I don't usually go on dates by myself.
The situation made me realize another deeper sore spot. When I lived in Boise, I frequented coffee shops,
restaurants, and made shopping trips more often, because I had dear girlfriends
in my peer group with which to spend time.
Almost weekly I would get together with my sister or my closest girlfriend
at some busy establishment or some local event, and I frequently felt a sense
of community and involvement and a connection to my place and that friend. I've been in Salem a year now, and I can
count on one hand the times I've gone somewhere (just me, not as a couple) with
a friend my age (besides my husband of course, who is gracious, patient, and is
a saint for living with me and spending so much of his free time with me) just
to hang out and talk. I didn't only feel
self-conscious because two college girls may have been judging me for whatever
reason, but I felt self-conscious about my lack of friends here and the empty
chair next to my table.
This, being the beginning of January, is as good a time as
any to reflect on this and make some intentions:
My intention is to
work on losing concern about what others could be thinking of me and to lose
self-comparison. I have a tendency
to entertain thoughts about the bad things other people could think of me,
which really steals my joy. As someone
wise once said, “What other people think of you is none of your business.” If I
wasn't so busy feeling self-conscious about my interaction with those two girls,
maybe I could have started a conversation with them and possibly made a new
friend or two instead of entertaining toxic thoughts of the negative things
they could have been saying about me. Their judgment wasn't even confirmed, and I
still let it ruin my moment.
My intention is to
make friends in my age-range in this town. No offense to my husband or my
grandparents, who I love to hang out with, but I want some girlfriends who get
me! I want someone to sing along with me
to Alanis Morissette’s Jagged Little Pill in the car (my husband can’t quite
get the angry chick thing down). I want someone who would want to go to art
museums with me, and indie films, and book readings. I want someone who will invite me to events
that reflect their interests, so I can experience new things, and someone to tell me stories about their
crazy family, or their bad day at work, or to listen to me talk about these
things.
These intentions will take work and conscious effort on my part and I could use a little help from the Universe too. For now I can say, it is still a beautiful day and I'm
cultivating my happiness back right now.
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